Hard to be alone. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. Now if I were to ask you, your advice, on a friend who is funny, nice, who takes me out biking (best positive activity i have done for eons) BUT who goes on about women as if they are meat, who talks to me in one glance, but then is always looking at other women or scantily clad women on the tv, with another glance, who i catch checking my body parts out regularly, and unashamedly, who makes his hugs last a lil too long (yak) who is now using his biking knowledge and lending me a very decent bike as his control lever to keep going out with him (I am saving for my own fucking bike thanks, mate) and that I just have this uneasy, queasy feeling of being leched upon, and that I just want to untangle myself from him, and his unfolding character .would you tell me Im just making it a bigger deal than what it is, and to stay and just reaffirm my boundries of friendship only? And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. I was totally mesmerized. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. Please be more discriminating in the future. Recently, before I broke up he wanted to see me less and less and definitely displayed other narcissistic and hurtful behaviors. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. Beautiful, Sparkle! You can do so much better than a rebound that doesnt give you what you need, too. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. Meditation really helps you to learn to be in the present moment and enjoy it. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Sometimes, you may find that youre holding a grudge even if youre doing so unintentionally. Frustrating! I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Thinking about what you're actually upset about or why you had that reaction to something that's seemingly minor can help you figure out what's actually at the root of the issue. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. Being a work in progress. : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. Each time I had to be around her she would say, whats wrong? Its like my old AC all over again. Of course, they object when you point it out. In my situation, we both have grown. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. He did make you genuinely happy for a time, I remember that. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. I would definitely encourage you to watch this. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. Note from the examples: No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. He cant give me what I want, need and deserve as a woman so its futile for me to stick around. First he was sssoooo happy and chipper sounding I couldnt believe it. What a shame! Can You Take a Hint? she should just walk away whenever he approaches. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. I hear you. Thats a good sign for me. Its also not a punishment. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Holding grudges is one of the top ways that people lose valuable relationships. Go to re-hab, start seeing a light at tbe end of the tunnel. Lol. Dont you know thats where he was going. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. Are you a good person? However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I needed it today. Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. In the end, when we continue to go back, the hardest thing will actually be to stop bearing a grudge against ourselves. If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? And dont feel guilty about it. Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. I no longer feel he is even my father. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Its been 2 weeks and Ive not responded. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. I still get triggered and I still walk around on eggshells. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. People are too concerned with their own stuff to give anyone elses relationship more than a few minutes head space, dont worry about that. It will be different. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. So strange how these posts come out when Im in a situation where I can relate. It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. 4. I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. Last night my ex tried to convince me yet again that it is my insecurities and jealousies that are getting in the way of our relationship, because I told him that I would be crushed if he spent the holidays with his ex wife. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. But it was so OTT at times, that I began making funny faces and blushing when I was with him, especially since he made no exception with me in applying his charming/seductive behavior. This is projection of their own feelings on you. This response is different from holding a grudge. Lisa, Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this., This post is great and so timely for me. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). But at last he has left and I am fine! Just stay NC. You begin to realize Although you think about it sometimes, you can live w/o it, and you feel better. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. .What if they have changed? Dont take your first attempt. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. *Meditate if you dont already. NC is your most powerful action. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. What are you bearing grudges for? There is a guy interested, but I can see inspite of his efforts, emotionally disconnected and I feel fragmented after spending too much time with him, at least I dont feel emotionally nourished. Do you think its mature behavior? It beggars belief! In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. ", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. When I knew someone was treating me with disrespect and disregard, it helped me to think about myself as being my own daughter. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". Forgiveness means different things to different people. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. It was an amazing feeling finally saying how I really felt, Natalie is right I always felt that when I heard from him that I wouldnt have the strength to ever really say no, but I found out I actually did have, that deep down I was done with it all, it just took me a while to realise itmy daughter really dislikes him because of how he treated me and I didnt want her to ever look down on me for not being able to stand up for myself. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! i feel so upset, becasue i am lonely and frustrated without intimacy in my life, and its hard to move forward. He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. Anyway, sorry to get all Biblical on yall (came from an unlikely source, eh ladies and fellas? From our hearts. The differences and similarities between "The Dog that Bit People" and "The Weather of New England" are easy to find throughout the story, and will be further dove into. When I talk to people who struggle with walking away and staying away and who keep getting their fingers burned, there can often be this fear of appearing to hold a grudge. We also stand to lose an opportunity to learn from who weve been at different points in our life because we keep squashing down truths out of fear of looking bad and even a sense of guilt that we remember something. I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. My bad! Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. I like this definition of forgiveness. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. I had both forgiven and forgotten. I respect your privacy and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. Why should it be any different w people? Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. When we met he said he wanted a life partner a serious relationship! Remember, forgiveness is a process. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. . If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. I guess Natalie would say let it go. Natalie, this post is food for thought. Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. And my ex is sort of like yourssmiley and nice, genial and willing to help. He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. Link in bio. Dont make excuses for this idiot! Hold a grudge definition: If you have or bear a grudge against someone, you have unfriendly feelings towards them. He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. He deserves a guilty conscience. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine.